This is how I watched the Grammy’s last night: I logged onto Facebook, read everyone’s status updates on the best and the worst of the show, then Googled clips online regarding them. That’s what happens when you have no TV. Nevertheless, read an enjoy. If you still haven’t watched it, now you don’t need to!
You’re so beautiful I want to throw a rock at you award.
Although it looks like J-Lo took Beyonce’s leotard from the Single Ladies video and gave it wings, I can’t deny that her 40-sumthn-year-old ass looks bangin in it. So let us all take a moment, and give it up to J-Lo’s leg. Someone please call Angelina Jolie’s leg and tell it that’s how it should be done.
In my fiercest RuPaul voice, “Kelly Rowland, YOU BETTA WERK!” The birthday girl came up in the scene looking like Beyonce WHO? Her Georges Chakra couture dress was absolutely EVERYTHING, and embodied sexy and risqué, all while still being elegant and tasteful. In my fiercest Diddy voice, “Grammy dress code, take that take that take that”.
Rihanna made headlines last night by … wearing clothes, and she’s never looked sexier in my opinion. The sexpot blazed the red carpet in this gorgeous Azzedine Alaia dress, and I cannot get over how beautiful she looked. Rih-Rih gets one dutty wine, three thunder claps and my vote for best dressed of the night for this look. Booyakuh, booyakuh!
Clean up on aisle 3 award.
Chris Brown is fine as fuck. And he makes music that’ll make you want to dance or fuck. But I have no respect for him as a person, so I’m going to make this quick: he looked good last nigh in this all white number. The end.
The prototype Nasty Nas traded in his signature Timberland boots and denim last night for this bronze blazer and bow-tie, proving to us all that 1) he cleans up real nice and 2) black don’t crack. Hi Nas, I love you. That is all.
Looking like this, Mr. Steal Your Girl could get away with stealing someone’s virginity. I’m not even a huge fan of Trey Songz, but he gets my award for best dressed male at the 2013 Grammy’s in this dapper ensemble. If I was his date last night, the neighbors and anyone within a 10-mile radius would know his name. And think he changed it to “God”.
Holy fuck, you’re still pregnant? aka Cutest couple award. For some odd reason, I really do love Wiz and Amber Rose together. Call me crazy, but they actually seem like they’re in love. Haters go’n hate, but you never hear any rumors about them cheating on one another. And it’s probably because they don’t *shocker*.
The Grammy’s weren’t a complete waste of my life thanks to you award.
Standing ovay for the entire set Bruno Mars was in. I’ve seen him live before, and he does NOT disappoint. Add in legends like Sting, some of the Marleys, and rude gyal Rihanna (who I’m convinced was only there because she’s an island girl) and BAM, you have the best performance of the night IMO. Could This Be Love? is one of my favorite Bob Marley songs, so I’m glad they performed it for his tribute.
Best acceptance speech award.
Of course goes to Hova for being so kind and considerate as to acknowledging The Dream’s hat, and its contribution to “Best rap/song collabo”. I think someone forgot to tell him he was attending the Grammy’s and not the BET awards. Click on the image below to watch the clip.
SMH aka Biggest train wreck waiting to happen aka Can’t Stop Looking award.
As usual, goes to Rihanna and Chris Brown. Don’t lie, you know you felt SOMETHING when the camera panned to them canoodling in the audience, whether it be disgust or admiration. I won’t lie, they make a beautiful looking couple. I just can’t shake the not-so-beautiful looking image from this same night of them only a few years ago. Despite it all, I do think they should’ve done a surprise performance together. Hey, might as well give us all something else to talk about.
Sexy Back award.
I mean, who else would it have gone to? God bless you Justin Timberlake for … well, existing. But most of all for last night’s performance with Jay-Z, and showing everyone how you take a brief hiatus from making music and re-emerging like a motherfucking champ. Oh, you can show me a few thangs alright.
Just stick to being America’s Ho Sweetheart award.
Taylor Swift’s attempt at being “sexy” and doing something different was more awkward than Frank Ocean beating Chris Brown last night – pun intended. I’m actually a Swift fan, Love Story was my SHIT. However, I have to agree with my girl Jesse when she says that she has as much sex appeal as a steamed carrot. But since I have a soft spot for white girls dancing, Taylor gets Best Audience Participation award for her amazing dances throughout the night.
Am I missing anything? If so, please feel free to comment!