when i think of the women who wear Hellz, i think of indpendent, sassy asses who get down like a dude with a cosmo in her hand and 4 inch stillettos on her feet.  she also the one with the best arm candy holding her clutch.   however, in the reality of a lot of my girls that arm candy turns out to be the frog with halitosis, foot fungus, and unemployment checks. 

i wrote this a lil while back for A&A…  and i’d like to share it with all of you cuz  every female should have a checklist that they grade potential suitors against.. deal breakers need to be known up front cuz we too old to be fuckin around with the bullshit! (im married so it really dont apply to me, but its fun makin this shit anyways..) if a man wants to “get to the pek pek” then he should answer the following questions with flying colors.

read the application after the jump!

1. can you speak good engrish? i aint talkin bout proper english..i just mean good english. as long as i dont have to strain to listen to you, or have u repeat every sentence three times, then i believe we can have a normal conversation. and if engrish is not your first language, please do a girl a favor and EXPLAIN what you tryin to say cuz you swear i am that versed to know hebrew, indian, and/or your language of choice off the top of my head. and PLEASE get off that “nahh meann” and “nahh wwaahhsayinn” shit cuz no i do not know what you mean, or what you are saying. ENGRISH PEOPLE ENGRISH. p.s. if he looks fobby, he probably is fobby.

2. do you know how to use a phone? please do not think that a conversation is strictly limited to emailing, texting, aiming, and bbm-ing. if you know how to type a “how u doin shawty?”, then you certainly know how to type a phone number and you can call a girl! whats the point of talking to a girl if you dont even know what the fuck her voice sounds like?

“if your idea of an in depth conversation is a text message of more than 3 sentences, then please throw this application in the trash and buy a fake pussy.”-A

3. do you have a sense of humor? real talk, can you make me laugh? can you laugh at yourself? cuz the girls i know like to talk a lot of shit and if you the type of homo ass mufucka to take shit to the heart then please stop what youre doing, go to the drugstore nearest you, and buy yourself some ointment for that butt hurt. and i quote,

“if a dude is just THAT funny, ill laugh till my panties fall off.”-A

4. do you got your own? all these songs out there about ms. independent got her own car, own house, 2 jobs, bad broad shit… what the fuck about you homie? muthafucka do YOU have a job? cuz i am sick and tired of seein females takin care of their dudes! do you have your own car cuz its not a good look rollin the bus to your first date. just as long as you can take care of your own fiduciary responsibilities, then we know you can take care of us.

5. do you have a wife/girlfriend/crazy baby mama? on some real shit, aint nothin like another female to cock block. if you swear you a playa and think that we wont know when we just a jumpoff bitch then THINK AGAIN. if you wanna be with a woman, BE WITH A WOMAN. stick with your entree and get over your sides. cuz no matter how grown a woman is, when it comes to love.. we will always revert back to the psycho hair pulling, clothes burning, voicemail checking, smell ur dick former selves that we swore we would never be again. why?  cuz we in love, and you’s an asshole (pls refer to # 6)

6. are u an asshole? there is only so much “asshole” a girl can take. if you too nice then we’ll walk all over you. too much of a dickhead and we’ll drop you like youre ugly. we like a man to keep us on our toes but there is a FINE LINE for being the right amount of asshole. (my husband has done a great job of this for the last 7 years, maybe you should ask him for tips on “being just enough asshole 101″).

“i HATE when guys say ‘u only like the assholes.’ no u stupud twit we just dont want fags. but we dont like assholes either! the only reason we end up with them is cuz they pretended to be someone else in the beginning and by the time we found out they were assholes it was too late we was already in love! we only didnt like the nice guys cuz 1) either they were fags or 2) they was UGLY” -A

7. do you have selective memory? i know men dont usually remember shit… but if youre the type of man to forget my birthday but remember that i said i’d cook u dinner tonight.. or if u remember i came home at 2 am last week but forgot how that lipstick stain got on ur damn collar. OR if you remember the score to the raider game on sunday but forget that you were supposed to pick me up from work.. then please proceed to the next available window bc this one is closed.

8. do you have any interests other than yourself? ok we get it. your swag is serious. we get it! its a lifestyle! but please at least PRETEND to be interested in me and what i like to do. remember that im allergic to pineapples, and dont go making me a pineapple cheesecake cuz you think it’ll earn you brownie points. please dont make every conversation about your hustle and what YOU had to do to get yours. OH… and one more thing. dont think that by having your girl as your only other interest earns u points cuz that shit is annoying! get a life and get some friends! a girl like to let a dude remember the scent of her panties. so if we dont call for 2 days dont start crying about how we’re forgetting about you and we’re your heart.. BLAH BLAH BLAH cry me a river.  

thank you for filling out an application and for your interest in the pek pek. if we feel that you are a good match, we will contact you for further interviews (which means dinner and youre paying so make sure you prove that you aint broke by bringing more than $20 cuz we like to eat good.) have a nice day!