The straw that broke the camel’s back came one sunshiney day in the summer.  I was snooping for evidence that he had seen her recently and what I found brought me back into the reality which was my life — I was being played for a fool.  Prior to that I had always told myself that he wasn’t playin me.  He was playin’ HER.  And that was enough to keep me in that relationship. 

I had been staying at his house and was to leave on a Sunday.  One morning while he was in the shower, my psycho ass hacked into his voicemail.  And then I heard it —  ”I’m so excited to see you.  Can’t wait to spend the night with you on Sunday.”   My heart sunk into my stomach all over again.  I knew it.. i KNEW it.. but everytime it happened it stung just the same.  

I confronted him, he lied.  But I was done believing.   I was DONE. 

“Why would I invite her after you leave?”
“I did NOT do anything of the sort”
“You should know I love you, right?”

The bullshit came out of his mouth so fast, and so easy.   I looked at him and didn’t recognize him.  Who was this guy?  Seriously?   What the fuck was I doing?  I packed my shit and bounced.  (but not without a serious bout of screaming and throwing things.)

After countless calls, texts, and voicemails of “I’m sorry.” and “I’m not lying”, and “She’s not coming” I thought that MAYBE I was overreacting.   This little voice inside my head told me that maybe he was telling me the truth.   and maybe, just maybe,  I had won afterall.

Sunday afternoon I drove to his house to surprise him, heart racing, head pounding, and all.   I half expected him to open the door, fling his long arms around me, tell me he’s sorry and make everything Ok.   This is how it played out in my head.  This was the perfect scenario.

But instead, I got no answer.  His car was in the driveway so I knew he’ was home.    I knock a little louder…  Still, no answer. Next to the door is the kitchen window.  I look in it and take it all in – her backpack strung accross the kitchen table.  Her homework and text books open.  Her cell phone on the counter.  Her sweater on the floor. 

I stood there for what felt like an eternity as the tears made their way from my eyeballs to my shirt.  I see her car accross the street that I neglected to notice in my excited haste.   They were probably inside fucking.   And I was outside waiting.  Such was the story of my life.  

The one thing I learned about men, is that they will treat you the way you let them.   As long as you allow yourself to be played, they will take full advantage and do so.  I  vowed then and there to NEVER be a doormat again. 

Sometimes you have to forget about the win.   Sometimes, you have to remember that you’re better than just the W.    The end does not justify the means when the means are just plain DEMEANING.  

I had lost the battle.  But in the process I had won myself back.  

I CHOOSE ME, FTW.